Jewish kids, non-Jewish moms
For interfaith families, a complicated journey to joining community
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Rachel Levy — with her family, from left, Olivia, Steven, and Isabel — said she considers her religious identity something that extends beyond herself.
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January 25, 2012
Madison resident Mary Fernandez, a Roman Catholic, always went to church on Sundays. After marrying a Jewish man and giving birth to their first child, she “made peace” with separating from the church and committing to running a Jewish home. Now she recites the Sh’ma with her children at night.
Diane Katz of Livingston, who was raised a Presbyterian, sings in her synagogue choir and lights candles on Friday night, but continues each year to decorate her house for Christmas.
Grace Yeung of Short Hills places the candles in the menora for Hanukka, but only listens as her son recites the blessings.
A growing number of non-Jewish parents who have no plans to convert are marrying Jewish spouses, building Jewish homes, raising Jewish children, and playing active, even leadership, roles in the Jewish community. But without plans to join the faith officially, establishing their place in the Jewish community can be complicated.
“I didn’t convert initially because of my parents,” said Katz, who married a Jewish man over 25 years ago. In addition to singing in the choir, she recently served on the social action committee of Temple Emanu-El of West Essex in Livingston, where she also sat on the youth committee. There are mezuzot on the doorposts of the family’s home and Judaica on the walls. She said her synagogue is so inclusive and accommodating that “the need for me to convert lessened” over time.
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing from a Jewish perspective,” she said, adding, “I guess it’s a good thing because it kept us involved in the temple and Judaism.”
Rachel Levy’s husband has never asked her to convert.
“In a sense, I know it would make him happy if I converted. But he has never asked or expected it of me,” said the Summit resident with Filipino heritage who was raised a Catholic.
When people ask about her religious identity, she usually says, “I am raising my children Jewish.” To her, that means leaving work early to celebrate Shabbat and other Jewish holidays, attending the Conservative Summit Jewish Community Center, sitting on the religious school committee, and getting involved in Zehava, the young women’s arm of the synagogue’s sisterhood. She was present, she said, when her children were converted.
Because she is not Jewish, she said, “I feel more pressure to accept when honors are offered to me during services because I feel it’s a grander gesture” than when such honors are offered to Jews.
Some of the mothers interviewed by NJJN feel welcomed by the Jewish community; others, however, feel underappreciated for the sacrifices they are making.
Lisa Halpern of Randolph, who is Christian, said people sometimes share a little too much of their own opinions.
“Sometimes I meet someone and they say, ‘Oh, you’re Jewish!’ And I say, ‘Oh, my kids are Jewish.’ And they say, ‘As a matter of fact, you know, your kids are not Jewish’” — referring to matrilineal descent, the traditional Jewish law that says someone is Jewish only if he or she is born of a Jewish mother or undergoes a formal conversion.
“I find that to be very rude,” Halpern said. “Here I am doing what I consider a good deed. And it’s so rude! I don’t respond. I’m so taken aback. Better they shouldn’t be Jewish? I’m raising three Jewish kids who will grow up and have Jewish kids.”
Still, she said, she feels welcome at her synagogue, Temple B’nai Or, a Reform synagogue in Morristown. Since 1983, the Reform movement accepts “patrilineal” descent, which considers Jewish the children born of Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers as long as the parents make a commitment to educate and raise the children in the religion.
Rules and choices
A decade ago, 31 percent of married American Jews had non-Jewish spouses, according to the 2000-01 National Jewish Population Survey, the last one undertaken. The study also showed that one-third of children born to intermarried couples are raised Jewish.
With most intermarriages involving Jewish men and non-Jewish women, a lot of non-Jewish women are heading Jewish families.
In both the Reform and Conservative movements, individual congregations set their own policies governing which rituals are open to non-Jews. However, the Conservative movement sets limits on issues ranging from offering congratulations on an interfaith marriage to participation of non-Jewish parents and family members in synagogue celebrations. As a result, Reform synagogues tend to be more inclusive.
Typically in both Reform and Conservative synagogues, non-Jews are permitted to do anything that is not a positive commandment — non-Jewish parents may stand on the pulpit during a child’s bar or bat mitzva, for example, but do not recite the blessings over the Torah. But some Reform congregations permit non-Jews to take part in every ritual, according to Vicky Farhi, lead outreach specialist for the Union for Reform Judaism.
In Conservative congregations, non-Jews technically may not be members, and one must be a member to hold synagogue office. But beyond that, there are very few “red lines” dictated by the movement hierarchy, said Rabbi Paul Drazen, special assistant to the CEO of United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.
“Each congregation reflects the community within which it is found,” he said. “At the same time,” he added, such inconsistencies can be “inconvenient and confusing.” Last year the movement’s Rabbinical Assembly reconstituted its keruv, or outreach, committee, examining best practices on welcoming intermarried couples within the movement’s synagogues.
Tracy Lobel found Temple Shalom, a Reform congregation in Succasunna, welcoming and forthcoming from the outset. In fact, when she walked into the synagogue for the first time several years ago to enroll her oldest son, who is now 12, in religious school, she was greeted warmly and invited to join the religious school committee. She declined, explaining that she isn’t Jewish. “They said, ‘Oh, that’s okay. Maybe it’s even better because you will bring a different opinion from the rest of us,’” she said.
The rules can still be hard to swallow. As she looks forward to her son’s upcoming bar mitzva, her excitement is muted by what she may not do according to the rules of the congregation.
“I’m allowed to go on the bima, but I’m not allowed to light the candles or say anything in Hebrew. I am disappointed,” she said.
And sometimes synagogue leaders make mistakes, leading to potentially awkward moments. Non-Jewish women raising Jewish children can be mistakenly offered honors that may later be rescinded. Something along these lines happened to Levy years ago. But for her, it was such an understandable error, such a non-event, that the details have blurred over the years.
Even when the rules are clear, and the grownups understand, children can be caught in between. Fernandez’s younger daughter was disappointed that her mother could not join her for the traditional passing of the Torah scroll from one generation to the next at her bat mitzva service. Fernandez said, “I told her, ‘This is not about my choices; it’s about your choices.’ I think she understood.”
‘A huge help’
Among the liberal movements, and even within a few Orthodox congregations, the growing number of interfaith families has been effecting a change in attitudes among synagogue leaders. While policies once reflected a desire to discourage intermarriage, they are now being adjusted under the premise that by welcoming such families, their children are more likely to be raised as Jews.
The same philosophy is behind many of the initiatives and resources that have sprung up to help them, from national groups to synagogue outreach committees.
Tracy Lobel of Oak Ridge in Jefferson Township turned to the Jewish Outreach Institute and its national listserv, Mothers’ Circle, which provides free educational programs and resources for non-Jewish women raising Jewish children. Jewish professional Dana Lichtenberg runs a local arm of Mothers’ Circle, offering occasional classes and discussions. Lobel called both “a huge help.”
Raised as a Methodist in rural Michigan, Lobel said her husband was the first Jewish person she really knew. When they decided to get married, they knew they wanted children and would be actively engaged in just one religion — but they didn’t know which one.
“We decided to let God decide,” said Lobel. “If we had a boy, it would be Jewish; if we had a girl, it would be Christian.” Instead of just one child, they eventually had three — all boys.
“It was meant to be,” she said, about their gender-based decision. Today, even though she has not converted, she said, “I want my boys to marry Jewish girls. I didn’t go through all of this for nothing!”
Levy and her husband didn’t decide what religion to raise their children until they went searching for a house of worship. They visited churches and synagogues all over the area. When they came to the Summit JCC, she recalled, “It was a match for us. It was just a welcoming community.”
Their decision was also nudged by their honeymoon in Spain, where they kept stumbling upon relics of the Inquisition. “Catholic history really had an impact on our decision. We could give the world two more Catholics or two more Jews. I felt more like I wanted to do the latter,” she said.
Grace Yeung of Short Hills was raised Buddhist, but she was not involved in religion at all by the time she married a Jewish man and had a son. Although she has had little interest in becoming engaged in Judaism, she has insisted upon her son’s commitment to it, even after a divorce, and her ex-husband’s move to Florida.
Yeung set up a menora and lit candles with her son during Hanukka — though only he recited the blessings. She takes him to a Jewish youth group and services on a semi-regular basis.
“Religion is lifelong,” she said. “It’s not, ‘You have a bar mitzva and you’re done.’”
While Yeung has not embraced Judaism in any way for herself, for some of her peers, agreeing to raise Jewish children is only the first step. After the decision comes a steep learning curve.
Said Fernandez: “I decided I had to commit and educate myself. Jewish homes are very matriarchal. The woman is in charge. So I took over.”
She buys plenty of Jewish books, and has turned to Rabbi Donald Rossoff of B’nai Or in Morristown, where the family belongs, for help and guidance.
December dilemmas
For many of these women who have committed to living in a Jewish household, Christmas can be a challenging time of year.
“It’s very complicated,” Katz said. “There are a lot of emotions around Christmas,” particularly when it comes to family traditions and memories. “It’s hard to let go of that,” she said.
They put up Christmas decorations and celebrate with family, but they don’t go to church.
“Christmas is less about the birth of Christ and more about being together with family and building traditions,” Katz said. “It’s one piece of my tradition that I want to share with my kids.”
For Katz, having the flexibility to incorporate Christmas in this way helps keep her marriage solid and grounded. “Everyone has their own solution. But excluding all of my family traditions would have been a mistake,” she said.
Lobel’s family celebrates Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter; they have a tree that her children like to call a Hanukka bush, and they decorate it with snowmen and Hanukka symbols. But Lobel has drawn the line at nativity scenes. “I was given one as a wedding gift, but I’ve never put it up with the kids,” she said.
Similar potentially confusing ritual issues can arise when these Jewish children go to church with Christian relatives. Every year, Levy takes her children to see her family in California for Christmas, and they go to church with family members. This year, she said, her daughter complained when she could not take communion with members of her extended family.
“I had to explain that she has to go to church every week [in order] to take communion,” Levy said. “That was a tricky explanation.”
It got easier, however, when Levy told her daughter, “‘Catholics don’t have onegs, they just leave after services.’ The look on her face when I told her that — she won’t want communion again.”
Being betwixt and between in the Jewish community can be a rough ride for some. But most of these women have made their peace with their decisions.
“It was very difficult to make the switch,” said Fernandez. “But I think it has been a real privilege to have lived fully in two religions.”
With reporting by Sue Fishkoff, JTA
Comments
NunShin
January 25, 2012
These children are not Jewish. Jewish law refers to them as Noahides. They barring conversion cannot have Jewish children. Raising a non Jewish child Jewish is not only cruel but forbidden under Jewish law in a household where the mother is not Jewish. Noahides only have to 1. Believe in G-D, 2. Not insult G-D, 3. Not murder, 4. Not commit adultery (includes homosexuality, bestiality, and incest), 5. Not to steal 6. Not to eat an animal while it is still alive, 7. And last to establish a legal system. Jews have 606 additional conmandments. One of those laws says Jews are born of a Jewish mother or of a conversion according to Orthodox Standards.
NunShin
January 26, 2012
I would also like to add that Jewish law considers intermarriage as bad as breaking the Sabbath and the consequences according to Jewish traditional teaching is early death at best, early death of children, early death AND early death of children, or at worst TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF THE SOUL. It is on par with idol worship and even with total repentance the punishment for the sin is only lessened. Additional since Christian beliefs and practice are considered Idol worship (trinity concept) and/or polytheistic including Christian beliefs or practices such as a “hannukah bush” is considered neopagan.
Rabbi Maurice Harris
January 26, 2012
I take issue and differ with the comments posted by NunShin. There are different approaches to Judaism. As the article mentioned, the Reform movement (and Reconstructionist movement and many in the Renewal community) recognize Jews born of a Jewish father & non-Jewish mother if the parents make the commitment to raise and educate their kids as Jews. On a spiritual level, my understanding of spiritual truth utterly contradict any idea that God is the kind of being who has decreed horrible and unjust cruelties like early death of children or “destruction of the soul” as punishments for intermarriage. The kind of Judaism represented by these views is not my Judaism, nor is it the Judaism of millions of other Jews.
I suggest that interested readers looking for more positive and helpful info on intermarried households raising Jewish kids visit the Jewish Outreach Institute website, or start by reading some of the essays they’ve collected at http://joi.org/bigtent/?sec=open&page=think .
Shalom and blessings to everyone trying to do their best to bring some love and goodness into the world through their marriage - gay or straight, intermarried or in-married.
Libby Bottero
January 26, 2012
I agree completely with the comments of Rabbi Maurice Harris. The photo accompanying this article looks very much like my own family and like many families in our Jewish community. We belong to a Reconstructionist congregation that is welcoming and inclusive. Our congregation recognizes both patrilineal and matrilineal descent, straight and gay families, singles and adoptive families, and interfaith families who are making Jewish homes and raising Jewish kids. The big tent approach of welcoming those who marry in to the tribe and raise Jewish children and become involved in the larger Jewish family is rapidly becoming the norm in many places. I don’t recall Ruth going through an official conversion process—she married Naomi’s son and then when he died Ruth followed Naomi home and married Boaz—and you know the rest of the story.
Sdereot
January 29, 2012
NunShin is absolutely correct; these children are not Jews. The title of this artilce is very offensive to all Jewish women. Only Jewish women can give birth to and raise Jewish children! The so-called Rabbi and Libby seem to think that gentile women are superior to Jewish women and that is anti-semitic. A Jewish home can only exist when both parents, especially the mother, are Jewish. What these individuals are expousing is not real Judaism. It’s a form of anything goes new-age philosophy which has nothing to do with Judaism. The Reconstructionist Movement is basically made up of mostly gentiles pretending to be Jewish. What a joke!
arah
January 31, 2012
Halpern said
“Better they shouldn’t be Jewish? I’m raising three Jewish kids who will grow up and have Jewish kids.” “
YES better they shouldn’t be Jewish! There is no legitimate belief in Judaism that everyone has to be Jewish. You can be a good person without being Jewish too
and No you are not raising 3 jewish kids who will grow up having Jewish kids, you are raising 3 CONFUSED kids who will grow up thinking they are Jewish and somewhere along the way they will be crushed when they discover it was all phoney.
You can’t just be Jewish because you decide to be if you weren’t born Jewish and you can’t just decide your kids are Jewish that way either.
Does Christianity allow you to just become Christian by acting christian or don’t you have to go through conversion first?
Hadar
January 31, 2012
I understand that not everyone can live an orthodox life so I respect the right of the liberal movements to exist because they allow people who would otherwise leave Judaism entirely to maintain a connection with faith. But, I am deeply pained by the fact that the liberal movements basically trick these children into thinking that 1) they will be accepted as Jews later in life should they decided to become fully observant (ie: orthodox) or worse 2) that they should never try to increase their observance because the orthodox are crazy people who will never love or accept them.
Would I tell someone that her kid isn’t technically Jewish? Yes, but I would also say that I understand where they are coming from and that I accept that they see their kids as Jewish. Even though its the liberal movements that created this problem its the orthodox community’s responsibility to open and welcoming to these children who are essentially victims in all this! Sure they may have to convert but we don’t have to be mean about it!
Robby Cicco
February 02, 2012
To Rabbi Harris:
What you are suggesting is simply lowering the bar.
G-d demands that we reach higher, not settle for less.
I understand your feeling that being inclusive is a good thing, but it’s not really. All you have done is create a massive schism in the Jewish Community where an entire generation of people who believe they are Jewish, are finding out that they are “Reform Jews”, not just “Jewish”, and will not be accepted as such by other Jews.
Now you can go ahead and blame the Observant for not accepting these people, but it is really you who have taken it upon yourselves to change the rules and demand everyone else accept them.
“There are different approaches to Judaism”? Really?
Rabbi, you can play a game with chess pieces, on a chess board, but that doesn’t make it chess, unless you play by the rules of chess.
You have essentially created a new religion and now demand that the rest of Jewry accept your man-made changes, over the Torah of G-d.
Sorry, no sale.
js
February 06, 2012
Thanks for a most interesting article! One has to express admiration for these women
who are raising children with Jewish traditions and values. The ebb and flow of Jewish history
makes it all the more impressive that non-Jewish individuals are contributing in this way. We in the US are also blessed with religious pluralism (a virtue for those religious and liberal alike). The path of Jewish history has shown the need for this tolerance—as Jews in the US have moved from orthodox to liberal (the story of the origins of Conservative movement), from conservative to reform (present trend), and from liberal to Orthodox (in the vibrant baal teshuva movement). What has allowed Judaism to survive all these centuries has been the flexibility to adjust and the avoidance of doctrinaire views. Looking back at the 20th century—which saw the physical destruction of European Jewery at the hands of the Nazis; and the spiritual destruction of Russian Jewery by the Communists—we must look to pragmatic solutions to grow the Jewish community, and embrace all who wish to be part of it.
JewessintheBronx
February 28, 2012
It’s sad, and, regrettably, not surprising that Jews can be so sanctimonious. Is this really a moral high ground? Are we really a ‘light unto the nations?’ I imagine, though please correct me if I’m wrong, that the commentors offended by this article and by these women would say that they are ritually observant Jews. That may be another way of saying “orthodox” but I tend to stay away from the labels. I am a ritually observant Jew, a ba’alat tschuvah—not raised to be so, but found it a meaningful way of life as an adult. What drew me to this particular derech was the way I was taught and by whom (a series of Orthodox rabbis and female teachers who made yiddishkeit engaging and personal). I try to keep the focus on myself and how I can be the best Jew possible. Jews don’t proselytize so our way is attraction rather than promotion. We don’t believe non-Jews are ‘bad’ - they have their own path. That said, we welcome those who want to sincerely become Jewish. One of my favorite people is a non-Jew married to a Jew and committed to learning and growing Jewishly and raising their children with a Jewish identity. She has been successful so far—her kids identify as Jews. In a world where so many Jewish children are raised with no belief, ritual or even cultural identity and, subsequently, are lost to assimilation, it just doesn’t seem useful to point out the ways in which non-Jews trying to raise Jewish children are not legitimate. If I live my life as an observant Jew - keeping kosher, keeping Shabbat and the festivals, learning Torah - maybe my friend will see the beauty and depth of this way of life and find herself on this path. Maybe not. It’s not for me to judge. I just don’t know all the ways G-d works in the world. Maybe her children will grow up, having this seed of yiddishkeit planted in them, to convert ‘halachically’ and live in Mea Shearim! Do we know this won’t happen? I will tell you the way to ensure it won’t: hold on to the attitude spoken above and share it with them. Even if you have nothing but contempt for the non-Jew raising her children as Jews, is it not a chilul Hashem - desecration of G-d’s Name - to act in such a way as to turn the Jew (the husband, in this case) away from his place among the Jewish people? I say this to my husband all the time: how will we ever bring Moshiach when Jews are so full of hate and judgment? Two Temples were destroyed because of Sinat Hinam (baseless hatred). js brings up the Nazis in a comment above - how a propos. The Nazis wouldn’t discriminate between the children of these non-Jewish mothers and children of Jewish mothers. They would ALL be gassed. As for me? I’ll do my very best to keep my side of the street clean, grow in Torah learning and observance and, as flawed as I am, try to be a truly attractive example of the beauty and value of ritually observant Judaism. I invite you all to do the same.
goodoldrebel
September 27, 2012
Conversion is not a magic potion, so I really don’t accept that as a legitimate way to become Jewish. As far as having a child with a non-Jewish mother goes, how can anyone prove they are Jewish? So many Russians from the former soviet republics claim to be Jewish and when I look at them I really am skeptical. In the end Judaism is a thought process and a inward behaviorism and if a child is raised in a Judaic home environment, he or she should be considered Jewish regardless of whether the mother is Jewish or not as long as the child’s behavior and thought processes are of a Judaic nature. Some children in these households behave as a gentile and such should be considered gentiles. Paul Newman for example (not just because he played a Haganah in Otto Preminger’s film) is very much Jewish and identified himself that way and truly was in my opinion yet his mother was a goy.
goodoldrebel
September 27, 2012
Sometimes marrying a Jewish woman isn’t all roses. A lot of them are ‘high maintanence’ types and divorce court is full of even orthodox duking it out. I see many other Jewish men thinking that they are safe because they have a Jewish bride. It all depends. Granted, it would be difficut for me to marry a gentile who had european ancestry because there are too many generations of anti-semitic hate from the europeans. I would however marry a Chinese woman (presuming she was not proselytized by the colonial empires) for there isn’t one cell of anti-semitism in a Chinese being. So having a child and raising the child Jewish would make the just as Jewish as if it had a Jewish mother. Remember, Judaism comes from the ‘loins of Abraham’ so who can dispute that Judaism is not passed on by paternity. I think the reason for the maternal lineage is that through out history and before DNA testing, one could be 100% certain who your mother was. This maternal lineage is based I believe on some kind of distorted ‘mistrust of women’. Maybe, before DNA testing this was the best way to insure Judaic lineage but now with DNA testing I think the maternal lineage is moot.
Anna
December 11, 2012
Reading the comments here makes me sad. Jewish people complain that they are being discriminated against. However, the article talks about those who are non-Jewish embrace this religion and culture. To me, this shows nothing but respect and acceptance. Yet, clearly the comments here suggest that such people are not welcome by the Jewish. Sounds like reversed racism to me….
Benjamin Lee
December 25, 2012
Being born of a Roman Catholic mother and Conservative Jewish father I was brought up in a non practicing household and one in which the normal home observances were not followed and the High Holidays were held outside of the family environment. Even though I followed the conversion through mikvah I was clear that this was only to cleanse me in order for a marriage to a Jewish woman and in this way I could further my father’s mischief and reline my heritage for my sons & daughters. My elder brother was shown this as well, even though our father wasn’t treated differently in schul. I always wondered at that and came to the conclusion that the Torah is clear and man is not.
There is the belief and then there is the non belief with the non belief being deviation from the belief.
Children of Jewish fathers and non Jewish mothers is simply mischief that needs to be reordered or disavowed.
teengirl
January 15, 2013
I find the comments offensive here. These people sound unaccepting. What about king davids ancestor Ruth who was a non-jewish woman? Are you saying her kids were not jewish? And what about converts? Are you saying they are not jewish? Well excuse me, i don’t know much about this subject. At any rate i consider partial or half jews even from non-jewish mothers jews. I wouldn’t want to marry a jewish man because i don’t want my future kids to be riddled with the jewish identity. You people have a bunch of history and drama i’m glad im not a part of. But my bottom line is that partial jews or anyone with jewish ancestry are jews. Have a happy life. Jesus loves you ;)
chiam mintz
February 07, 2013
in cabalistic law anyone with jewish blood has a place in the house of isreal and besides a mix of blood is a good thing its healthy . . no disrespect intended here go down golders green and the jewish community dont look so healthy genetically ..... also most of them cant go in the sun they go red so what does that say. there the new jews the original hebrews would have been extremely dark….............all the blood been yoked up at some point ............moses wasnt jewish he was a renegade priest who stole some magic books and a stick
klein
March 13, 2013
Of all the different women it is my opinion that Filipino women are the most ardent when
it comes to NOT wanting to marry a Jewish man.I cannot figure it out.Maybe because the
they are very Roman Catholic and have to answer to their family and relatives.I don’t
know.