If this Moneyball draft is any indication…

I’m not surprised they canceled the project.

I’ll watch anything about baseball. Cartoons, documentaries, lousy films (Jackie Robinson was a great ballplayer, but a poor actor). But this draft of the aborted Brad Pitt vehicle would sorely try my patience (Groucho Marx: “Don’t mind if I do. You must try mine sometime.”).

Moneyball is the non-fiction neo-classic by Michael Lewis about Billy Beane, former failed-ballplayer turned general manager of the Oakland Athletics. It was a great book but I never understood how anyone could possibly believe it could be turned into a feature film, regardless of star power.

The movie version, again judging solely from the script, is such a cliched story: Beane is an iconoclast who bucks the system to turn his team around, making them a contender for the American League pennant. He has a nebishy sidekick (supposedly to have been played by Dmitri Martin, a hot-comedian-du-jour), a computer geek and advocate of statistical guru Bill James (another system bucker). Together they battle conventional wisdom spouted by crew-cut wearing veteran baseball scouts and develop a new and unorthodox way of evaluating ballplayers, which, according to said scouts will never work. Along the way they pick up a broken down player on whom everyone else has pretty much given up; if he was a drunk he could be the Dennis Hopper character  in Hoosiers.

This is a combination of Bad News Bears and Major League. According to the draft – and I don’t know if this was the final one; there was lots of speculation about problems with the script — there are lots of overdone effects, including voice overs, freeze frames, and slow motions included to drive the point home.

There is, however, some amusing Jewish content. Following the “magic formula” of acquiring ballplayers who get on base a lot (isn’t that the whole point? This is a new development?), Beane is aggressively pursuing as third basemen in the Boston Red Sox minor league system named Kevin Youkilis (who is still called “the Greek god of walks”).

Then there’s this scene, involving a stereotypical Jewish sports agent:

INT. OAKLAND AIRPORT – LATER – DAY

Billy, at the Southwest check-in counter now with his carry-on bag. The clerk hands him a boarding pass.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS – LATER – DAY

He climbs out of a cab with his bag and heads to –

INT. TEMPLE – LATER – DAY

He plucks a yarmulke from a basket and sets it on his head. He has arrived in the middle of a Bar Mitzvah ceremony and finds a place in the back row, sets his carry-on bag at his feet.

He regards the boy next to the Rabbi, and the boy’s father. He fidgets. Taps his foot. Checks his watch. Turns to the person two seats down and whispers –

BILLY

How much longer you think?

GUEST

Excuse me?

BILLY

Never mind.

INT. BANQUET ROOM – LATER – DAY

A rock band plays cover songs. Friends and family members move around the dance floor.

The Bar Mitzvh boy’s father, ARN TELLEM, notices Billy in the crowds, a drink in his hand. Billy waves. Arn sighs and comes over and Billy picks up right where he left off three hours ago in Oakland on the phone –

BILLY

I don’t want to lose him.

ARN

Billy –

BILLY

Arn –

ARN

We can’t talk about this now.

Obviously.

BILLY

What did they offer?

ARN

He’s not staying in Oakland, Billy.

We both know that. I’m trying to

be polite about it, but you’re making

it difficult.

BILLY

I’m trying to make it easy.

ARN

I can make it easy. 17 million.

Billy stares. Takes a sip from his drink. Then –

BILLY

Steinbrenner offered 17?

Arn doesn’t say, but they both know he can afford it. And that it’s very bad news for Billy.

ARN

Your yarmulke’s falling off.

Billy straightens it on the back of his head and presses it down to try to keep it in place.

ARN

You need a bobby pin. Turn around.

Billy does, and as Arn works to secure the little cap with a couple of hair pins –

ARN

That was a killer in New York, huh? Not the

kind of record you want to set.

BILLY

I’ll talk to Steve.

ARN

Fine.

BILLY

Fucking Yankees.

ARN

There.

Finished with the yarmulke, he turns Billy around again to admire it. Billy can’t hide his depression over this whole situation.

ARN

Sorry, Billy.

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Kaplan’s Korner on Jews and Sports © 2009 New Jersey Jewish News

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