June 5, 2008
I’ve written before about Bangitout.com, the humor site for Modern Orthodox hipsters. Last month I came across Bangitout’s list of the “Top Ten Most Annoying People in Synagogue” and posted it at my blog. Then I added a few of my own. Then I heard from readers.
By the time we were done, I was left wondering if there is anybody in synagogue who isn’t annoying (besides me, of course). In the spirit of Shavuot, when it is traditional to stay up the entire night and study Jewish texts, I offer the results here and urge scholars to tease out the deeper meanings. (A note for the easily offended: When I write “guy” below, I mean it in the sense of “men and women who are annoying.” And when I write “annoying,” I mean to say “differently agreeable.”)
First, here’s a few from the Bangitout list:
• The OCD gabbai who continuously and condescendingly corrects the ba’al koreh on words he says incorrectly — and correctly.
• The parent who decides it’s better to not take his hysterical crying kids out of shul lest they miss a word of Torah reading.
• The Shusher.
• The guy whose seat you are sitting in, who must make a huge public scene to ensure that you and the rest of the shul know it.
• The Baseball Score Guy — The most moving prayer of your life was just interrupted by an update on his fantasy team starting lineup.
Here are some of mine:
• The guy (or gal) who insists on harmonizing with the “Amens.” (That’s me.)
• The person who namedrops during the misheberach for the sick — you know, when the rabbi asks for congregants to call out the name of their ailing loved ones, and the guy says “Edward M. Kennedy” to remind you that he once worked on the campaign in 1974.
• The guy in front of you who can’t keep his satin yarmulke or tallis in place, so you have to keep reaching down and over to help him out.
• The non-Jewish bar mitzva guest who sits rigidly and politely for the entire three-hour service, shaming you for fidgeting and checking your watch every 10 minutes.
• The Hatzolah ambulance guy who makes a big show of displaying his emergency beeper or cell phone on Shabbat — reminding you that he has an escape plan, while you’re stuck for another two hours.
Then readers chimed in:
• The synagogue officer who reads the list of upcoming events extending sometime into 2012 — as if anyone is sitting in the pews entering appointments in his Blackberry.
• The guy in the pews who is entering appointments in his Blackberry.
• The woman who keeps whispering to you during the sermon, implicating you in her disrespect (and interrupting your nap).
• The sermonizer who never heard of the expression “to make a long story short.”
• The sermonizer who says “in conclusion,” and then goes on for another 10 minutes.
• The sermonizer.
A rabbi sent a few:
• The congregant who has never come to a single adult ed class and then complains that the service has “too much Hebrew.”
• At board meetings, the trustee who says, “I was about to say the same thing as Jack” — and then goes on to say exactly the same thing!
• The congregant who, in social settings, utters an obscenity, then says, “Sorry, Rabbi.” I want to answer, “No %$*&# problem.”
Cantors and ba’alei tefila (prayer leaders) were a common theme:
• The cantor who introduces the unfamiliar “Adon Olam” melody based on the 12-tone scale.
• The cantor who sings more slowly than seems humanly possible — then repeats words!
• The hazan who gets to the “Ve’ne’emar” at the end of Aleinu faster than is humanly possible, making you feel like a slacker.
• The hazan who greets you with a little melody: “Hell-LO! HOW are YOO-oo?”
The service may end, but the aggravation doesn’t:
• At kiddush, the folks who pile up their plates— and refuse to step away from the buffet table as they eat.
• The kids who fill their plates with the best fish and spreads and that last chocolate-covered strawberry, take one bite, and leave the rest.
• The really flimsy paper plates that can’t hold even a marshmallow, let alone a slab of kugel. (Technically, this is not an annoying person, but it is still very, very annoying.)
