by Jill Huber
NJJN Bureau Chief/Monmouth

September 9, 2008

For those who are eager to learn, the Kabala distills thousands of years of wisdom on intimacy, resolution conflict, and finding true fulfillment.

Unfortunately, said Rabbi Yosef Jacobson, teachings about married life have become more secular; as a result, family life is more “impoverished,” because the attitudes and lessons of Jewish life that have sustained Judaism for millennia have largely been forgotten.

“We look at how fast or how slow we are moving, and we fail to appreciate our destiny, and that’s also true in our relationships,” he said. “We don’t see the bigger picture, which is an intimate, loving relationship.”

Jacobson spoke to an audience of 50 on Aug. 19 at the Chabad of the Shore center in Long Branch. An expert on Jewish mysticism, the rabbi has lectured on hasidic teachings throughout the world on such topics as relationships according to Kabala and pathways that can lead to a greater understanding of and intimacy in married life.

He is the author of two series on tape, “A Tale of Two Souls” and “Captain, My Captain,” and his weekly Internet essays on Judaism, mysticism, and psychology. He teaches Kabala, hasidic spirituality, and Talmud at Chovevay Torah Rabbinical College in Brooklyn. 

“The Bible uses three different terms to describe this intimacy: knowledge, laughter, and exposure of nakedness, which is a generic term for intimacy,” he said. “Kabala also sees three different types of marriages — a marriage about intimacy, a marriage about knowledge, and a marriage about laughter.”

Jewish mysticism has two other terms that relate to married life, he said: face-to-face and back-to-back.

“Back-to-back means ‘We’re connected, but I never see you,’ or ‘I see you but you don’t see me.’ In a relationship, a couple may see each other physically, but they never truthfully see the other person,” Jacobson said. “Face-to-face recognizes the spiritual properties of distinct individuals who have their own identities and are choosing to have a relationship.”

The spiritual path, he said, encompasses three stages.

“The hasidic masters said God’s infinity is concealed in the world, and if we dig deep enough into ourselves, we can see that infinity. Begin with self-expression, move on to self-transcendence, and then move on to a synthesis of the two.”

Jacobson said the concept of self-forgetfulness also is part of an age-old question of how one forges a relationship with God.

“The great question is: How do you find or lose yourself in God?” he said. “If you say the world is an act of self-expression on God’s part, then you can find yourself in God because He is expressed through you. But if you say creation is an act of self-forgetfulness on God’s part, then how do you find God? The answer is that you have to create a space for Him.”

But the task may not be easy. “Is reality an act of God’s self-expression or self-forgetfulness? Can I find myself in God through my own identity or must I renounce myself to find God? It’s a process that begins with embracing ourselves,” he said.

“Hold on to your own identity until you can renounce yourself and touch God. Then go to a deeper level and see yourself as a part of that larger holistic identity in which self-transcendence and self-expression become one.

“And this is marriage.”

Jacobson said he offers the following advice: Look for a marriage partner who can help you express yourself and who allows you to actualize yourself.

“But if you stay at that level, the marriage can become stale,” he said. “You have to create a state that leads to self-expression. Find your deeper self. We’re part of a larger picture in which self-transcendence becomes the greatest vehicle for self-expression.”

If marital partners can nurture, accept, and embrace each other’s vulnerabilities, it makes a strong statement in modern society, Jacobson said.

“When a husband and wife really want to know each other — who they really are, not who they expect each other to be — then that’s a powerful thing in today’s world,” he said. “But the result is learning to appreciate your spouse as an independent person.”

In the end, Jacobson said, an understanding of relationships in the Kabala can increase unity in Jewish families and Jewish communities.

--TOP--

Comment: comments@njjewishnews.com