Delayed reaction

What I wish I did last summer

NU Magazine - October, 2009

I have a kvutza — an age group — a group of people out there who care about me and for me, 12 individuals, a secret all to myself, a little piece of my heart and soul.

Most of them live in Toronto; Hashomer Hatzair, meaning “the youth guard,” is a socialist-Zionist youth movement founded in 1913 with summer camps in some countries and social centers in others. Mine, Camp Shomria, is in Perth, Ontario.

A little far to live without a piece of your soul, don’t you think? But two lovely boys live right here with me, go to my very school. We are the “South Orange Kids” to our Toronto crowd.

Last summer I didn’t treat my kvutza as they deserved. The residue from my inconsiderateness never quite wore off.

This summer, I became hyper aware of this group of people that were always together, had to be together, were brought up that way. I became hyper aware of the contract we have with each other; the code of respect that exists between all of us. I unintentionally broke that. Maybe some of them forgot about it, but I know at least one person didn’t and that means I can’t either.

Lahav is a kibbutz founded in Israel and the name given to my kvutza; we went through a lot this summer. We felt overtired, unsure of ourselves, confused in a new job as counselors, isolated, pushed out by the rest of hadracha, the counselor body. We also missed each other in the first four weeks because we were all so busy with our respective jobs.

When I made my decision and went home after the first four weeks of camp last summer, I thought it would never be the same between the rest of the group and me, but this was the year it turned out it was, a delayed reaction.

I couldn’t have gone on Yedid last summer, a counselor-in-training program for grade 10 in Israel. I was not ready. The thought of meeting with 30 Lahav compatriots from Liberty, N.Y., was overwhelming.

I was unfocused and unhappy and my mind couldn’t be changed. I’m really sorry I couldn’t; in theory I would have loved Yedid. If the trip were this year I would have gone.

Now, I feel like I’m on overdrive; so ready to be with my kvutza. I want to move to Toronto and start a communa, an urban kibbutz in a home environment with the Israeli model of kibbutzim. I miss having a family that leads in a way I understand, youth leading youth, and all that.

I miss friends who talk about feelings, have ideas, want to change the world, or at least change their own realities!

I guess, what I’m saying (other than giving you all the explanation you deserve) is I’m grateful for you, and I love you, and this is me shouting it from the rooftops.

Julia Wolkoff, attends Columbia High School and is a member of Nu’s teen board.

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