Starving for attention

Disillusioned with my peers’ response to eating disorders

NU Magazine - October, 2009

I always wonder what people see when they look in the mirror.

Do they see their true reflections?

Or, more frequently, is it the blemishes and imperfections from their head down?

When I look in the mirror, I’m pretty realistic. Of course there are many flaws, but those flaws clearly don’t define me. So, where is the fine line when a healthy, realistic outlook approaches a dangerous one?

Throughout middle school, I watched some of my friends struggle with self-image problems. Nothing too serious, it didn’t seem. No one that I knew threw up after meals, and I never heard of anyone starving. But, unfortunately, this hasn’t held true throughout the years.

I’d say the turn was in eighth grade. School was tricky. Friends were cliquey.

Everything intensified.

Suddenly, those issues seemed more prevalent and I would hear “she didn’t eat during lunch,” or “she said she thought she was fat.”

Half the time, it was just immature girls gossiping, but other times, it wasn’t just gossip.

In eighth grade, I knew two people who were anorexic.

After losing more or less one sixth of their body weights, they were forced by parents, friends, and doctors to get help. In each case, it was one of those intervention type things where the girls simply did not have another option. Scary as this was, the issue of eating disorders trickled down into my high school years, both in and out of school.

I guess it became more painful for me to deal with—mainly because I became more invested in helping the people who were struggling. They were my friends, my close friends—people who I was growing up with.

I felt compelled to do something. I needed to help them.

What I failed to recognize was that while my sympathetic and comforting words might have served as a form of relief, they did nothing to lessen the severity of the situations.

I felt powerless.

High school was when I realized that eating disorders are diseases—very serious, life-threatening diseases.

To heighten my realization, I was disillusioned with the response from my peers. When my other friends starting finding out that our friends had eating disorders, many of them expressed that they were “grossed out” or “couldn’t believe it” or thought that they were just “doing it for attention.”

Now, these emotions are all fine to think—everyone reacts differently to awkward conversation and circumstance, but I was so confused as to why a single person did not express concern.

Personally, there were two things that I was uneasy with—first and foremost, of course, their health. The real question was how I, a high school student, was going to ensure that my friends got help. I wondered if I should call a parent, or advise a teacher, or anything of the sort.

Luckily, this was addressed with the intervention of family and health professionals. It really wasn’t something I was equipped to deal with.

At this point, I could turn my attention to the emotional side of the issue—the second thing I was concerned with. I wondered how the eating disorder would affect my relationship with them. With one of my friends in particular, it seemed as though for a while there was a huge strain on our relationship.

I tried to provide support for her and talk to her as if there was not this overwhelming obstacle blocking conversation. But, for the most part, my efforts were not rewarded.

She was dealing with her own problems and did not really have time for “everyday” conversation. I understood the predicament and how I was not the first priority at the time.

When I processed the information and thought about her, I found myself worrying that I would lose touch with her. I worried that she was a different person, someone I didn’t know.

How could someone that I always saw as a confident individual be going through this?

I still don’t fully understand it.

I know that all people have their insecurities. I know that the mind is a wild thing that can create false images in one’s head. But I also know my friend, and I never noticed any odd behaviors or obsessions that would lead to an eating disorder. This troubled me. How could I not see it?

In hindsight, I guess it was fairly easy to miss. In the winter, girls can wear baggy sweatpants and sweaters to hide severe weight loss. Skipping a meal and grabbing a coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts has become a norm. Discussion about diets and working out endlessly to get into a tight pair of jeans or a dress is often accepted and even embraced. When taking this into consideration, its actually interesting why more of us don’t fall into these pitfalls.

All of my friends who struggle with self-image problems receive at least weekly therapy sessions. All of them are now at stable weights and medically, have no complications.

With this said, eating disorders are lifelong struggles. My friends will all have to work on building confidence and surrounding themselves with crowds that are supportive. I pray that each of my friends stay on track and never revisit eating struggles.

Eating disorders plague many young girls, women, and boys, but the one thing I realize is that those who are successful in recovering always need support, understanding, and proper professional intervention.

Carly Skinder, 16, attends Millburn High School and is a member of Nu’s teen board.

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