I am not overweight. I watch what I eat carefully, and I battle the urge toward boredom/unconscious eating all the time. But although I don’t feel outwardly stressed by the bat mitzvah preparations, which are coming along nicely – I just three minutes ago finished writing the table cards (I couldn’t bear paying someone to write names) – I guess my subconscious is more stressed than I want to admit.
I’m not a big dessert eater, mostly because too much sugar or fat upsets my guts, but the other night I sat with a Costco jar of chocolate covered raisins in my lap and ate and ate and ate. It felt so decadent. But when I realized the level of the contents in the giant jar had lowered by my consumption alone, I just felt gross. And I know I’m not getting to the gym this week. If the dog gets walked at all, it will be a big accomplishment.
Our family doesn’t do much for Valentine’s day. But yesterday I did buy some heart-shaped lemon-almond cookies for the kids, then ate a few half a dozen oh all right I ate half the bag. It amazed me that I wasn’t sick afterward. I should get those again…
This morning I ate lunch for breakfast. The tuna salad that didn’t go into Big Girl’s sandwich went into me, and I heated a bowl of leek and potato soup as a side. Lunch came early (for me) at 11 a.m. I thought I did well with a salad (heavy on the watercress, it’s supposed to be a diuretic) but also heavy on the pumpkin seeds and another bowl or two of potato leek soup (I put a bit of wine in it: yum). Then after an afternoon of errands I made kale chips for the kids. But I kept eating them myself. And kept going and going. I’m pretty sure overeating still counts even though it was healthy food. You’re not supposed to eat a half a head of kale by yourself. This is not to mention I ate a normal sized dinner when I wasn’t even hungry and kept picking on my son’s leftover pasta. It’s 11 p.m. and I feel like I just finished dinner and it’s been five hours. But on the bright side, I’m gonna have a super clean colon in time for the weekend!
I realize my current self has nothing on my college self, eating-wise. I used to say I was half bulimic: I just never purged. I once ate a medium pizza by myself. My bffl Stephanie and I bought God-knows-how-many dried apricots from the bulk food section and ate them all in one evening, then had to exit the bar scene early that night to find clean bathrooms when the sulfer dioxide kicked in. Oh, were we sick.
So my goal for the rest of the week is not to lose five or even two pounds. It’s just to step back from the trough, and eat enough celery/grapefruit/parsley/watercress to counteract my deviation from the path of portion control!